How Porn Is Shaping Rough Sex Among Young Kiwis

A new New Zealand documentary is asking an uncomfortable question: when did violence start becoming an expected part of sex?

In What Happened to Sex?, sex therapist Jo Robertson explores a change she says has become increasingly visible in her work with young New Zealanders. Women have described sexual experiences involving choking, degrading language, unwanted anal sex and partners being far rougher than they wanted.

What concerned Robertson was not simply that these experiences happened. It was that some women wondered whether they were the problem for not enjoying them.

That question points to something bigger than individual preferences. It raises concerns about how pornography, social media and online sexual culture may be influencing what young people believe sex is supposed to look like.

When Rough Sex Stops Being a Preference

There is an important distinction between consensual rough sex and sexual behaviour that somebody feels pressured to accept.

Adults can choose all sorts of sexual experiences. The issue is not whether something is considered adventurous, conventional or kinky. The issue is whether everyone genuinely wants to participate.

Someone agreeing to sex does not automatically consent to choking, anal sex, slapping, degrading language or any other activity. Consent needs to remain specific and ongoing.

That sounds obvious on paper. In real relationships, however, expectations can blur the line.

A person might agree because they do not want to disappoint their partner. They may assume a behaviour is now “normal”, or worry that refusing it makes them boring or sexually inexperienced.

That is precisely the uncertainty Robertson says she has been hearing from clients.

Pain and Discomfort Are Not Things to Perform Through

One of the most worrying themes in the documentary is the normalisation of practices that can cause physical harm.

Strangulation or choking during sex is a particularly serious example. Medical professionals interviewed for the documentary warn that restricting blood or oxygen supply to the brain can cause significant injury.

The broader lesson is simple: discomfort should never be treated as something a person is expected to tolerate simply because a sexual behaviour is popular online.

The same principle applies to anal sex. Our guide to anal sex safety in New Zealand explains why consent, communication, lubricant, pacing and stopping when something hurts matter far more than trying to copy what appears on screen.

Porn Has Become an Unofficial Form of Sex Education

Pornography itself is not the only influence on sexual behaviour, and watching porn does not automatically cause somebody to become violent.

The concern is more subtle.

When people repeatedly see particular behaviours presented as ordinary, pleasurable or expected, those images can contribute to their understanding of what sex is supposed to involve.

New Zealand research has previously found that rangatahi sometimes turn to pornography for information about sex while receiving limited guidance from trusted adults. The Classification Office has also highlighted how pornography may show unrealistic interactions, unclear consent and aggressive behaviour without the communication that healthy relationships require.

Robertson also pointed to research into popular pornography watched by New Zealanders in which a substantial proportion contained incest-themed scenarios.

For parents who imagine online porn as little more than adults having consensual sex on camera, the reality of what algorithms can surface may therefore be confronting.

Social Media Has Changed How Sexual Ideas Spread

Porn websites are only part of the picture.

What Happened to Sex? also examines the influence of social media, popular entertainment, erotic fiction and online manosphere communities.

This matters because sexual ideas no longer stay inside explicitly adult websites.

A reference to choking can appear in a song. Aggressive relationship dynamics can become romanticised online. Short-form videos can introduce sexual terminology before someone intentionally searches for pornography.

Once something appears repeatedly across different parts of culture, it can begin to feel ordinary.

That does not mean every young person absorbs the same message. It does mean parents, educators and health professionals need to understand the digital environment young people are actually navigating.

Healthy Sex Should Not Require Guesswork

Perhaps the most useful response to the documentary is not attempting to create a universal definition of what “normal” sex should look like.

Healthy adult sexuality can involve many different preferences.

What should remain consistent is communication.

Partners should be able to say what they want, what they do not want, and when they want something to stop, without fear of ridicule or rejection.

For adults using professional adult services, the same rule applies. Browsing a New Zealand escort directory or arranging an appointment through Auckland escort listings or Wellington escort listings never creates automatic consent to any particular activity.

Payment does not remove boundaries either. As our guide to New Zealand sex work laws and worker rights explains, a sex worker can refuse or stop a commercial sexual service.

Different setting, same fundamental principle: nobody owes another person a sexual act.

What Parents and Whānau Can Actually Do

Robertson's main recommendation is surprisingly straightforward: talk more.

That does not mean beginning every conversation with a lecture about pornography.

A better kōrero might start with relationships.

What does respect look like? How can you tell whether somebody genuinely wants something? Can somebody change their mind after initially saying yes? Does something becoming popular online make it healthy?

Young people are far more likely to talk when they believe the adult listening to them is genuinely interested rather than waiting to punish them.

New Zealand guidance for parents and whānau takes a similar approach, encouraging calm, honest conversations about the difference between pornography and real-life relationships.

The Conversation Aotearoa Needs Now

What Happened to Sex? is uncomfortable viewing because it challenges the idea that young people automatically know how to separate sexual entertainment from real-life expectations.

But panic is unlikely to solve the problem.

Better sexual-health education, stronger porn literacy, informed health professionals and more research all have a role to play.

Most importantly, young people need permission to reject the idea that being sexually confident means agreeing to everything.

Good sex is not defined by how extreme it looks.

It starts with people feeling safe enough to say yes, no, slower, stop — or simply, “I don't want that.”

Suggested FAQ

Does violent porn make young people sexually violent?

There is no simple cause-and-effect rule. Sexual behaviour is influenced by relationships, culture, education, peers and online content. The concern is that repeated exposure to aggressive sexual scripts may influence expectations about what is normal, particularly when pornography becomes a substitute for reliable sex education.

Why is rough sex becoming more common among young people?

Researchers and health professionals are examining several possible influences, including pornography, social media, popular culture and online communities. Greater visibility may also make behaviours that once seemed unusual appear more mainstream.

Is choking during sex safe?

Strangulation carries genuine health risks because pressure on the neck can impair breathing and reduce blood flow to the brain. A person's willingness to participate does not remove those physical risks.

How should parents talk to teenagers about pornography?

Start with curiosity rather than punishment. Talk about consent, respectful relationships, unrealistic sexual expectations and the difference between entertainment and real intimacy. Keeping communication open makes it easier for young people to ask questions later.

What does consent mean during rough sex?

Consent should be voluntary, specific and ongoing. Agreeing to one sexual activity does not mean agreeing to another, and anyone can change their mind or stop at any stage.

* What Happened to Sex? TVNZ 1, Monday, August 24, 8.30 pm; streaming on TVNZ+.